Something Exciting is Happening at JCPenney Tomorrow!

This poor POOR little blog has been abandoned! But guess what! Something exciting is happening! 

It all started when my sister and I took our teenage daughters Black Friday shopping in Marshalltown, Iowa. The very first store we visited was JCPenney. Fast forward to December 16, when I FINALLY sent this email to the corporate office. My hope was that the associate and store manager would be recognized for excellent customer service.  

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I was shopping with my 15-year-old daughter, Emma, in the Marshalltown, Iowa store on Thanksgiving evening. Emma was born with a severe club foot and struggles with self-esteem issues. She is able to walk, but that foot is quite misshapen and is 3 sizes smaller than her other foot. As you can imagine, shoe shopping is no fun and is expensive. To be honest, it is often a traumatic experience, and Emma usually cannot fit into the styles of shoes she would like to wear. Emma's eyes lit up when she saw the Thanksgiving boot display in your store. I told her that JCPenney doesn't do anything for people with differently sized feet, but she insisted that I ask. The sales associate told us what I expected...unfortunately, we would have to buy two pairs of boots. I just wasn’t prepared to do that. We were standing near the shoe department a minute later, and the sales associate came running up with a big smile on her face. She told us that her manager said the store could sell us a mixed pair of boots. I cannot express to you how happy this has made my daughter. I’m pretty sure she tried on every pair of boots in that store, and she found the perfect pair in sizes that fit her feet. She’s never had a pair of tall boots like so many teenage girls wear. As an added bonus, she is now comfortable wearing leggings because the boots conceal the extremely thin calf on her left leg. This act of kindness has had an amazing effect on my daughter. I would like to thank your company, the sales manager who approved the sale and most of all the sales associate who cared enough to ask permission. All this on the busiest day of the year. We have told many people about this story, and we will continue to shop at JCPenney.  

   

Sincerely,  

Ann Schaffer    

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I didn't expect a response, but I received an email from the store manager the very next morning. He asked me to call his cell phone because it was his day off. The first thing I said to him was, "I hope I didn't get you in trouble!" Luckily I did not. He thanked me for my email and asked if I could come back into the store, but I explained that I live nearly an hour away in Waterloo. Coincidentally, he also manages the store 5 miles from my house, but he really wanted to get me back to the Marshalltown store. He said they would like to do something nice for my family. So the girls and I will be going there this tomorrow 12:30.

I have no idea what they are going to do...it's so much harder to receive than it is to give! My initial reaction was that I wish the "something nice" would go to someone who needs it more than us. Of course my imagination was going wild. Here is a peak inside my twisted head...

- What if this is a big production?
- Will the news be there?
- Will someone be filming this?
- What if they ask us to be in a commercial for JCPenney?
- What if they are filming that commercial right there on the spot?
- What should we wear? I don't want to look like we've spent a lot of money on my clothes in case they think we don't have very much money, but also I want to look nice. Oh man...
- Should Emma wear the boots? (she will)
- Will Christmas carolers be present?
- Will all the associates dip into their own pockets for gifts? Are they sponsoring us for Christmas? Are our names on a giving tree in the JCPenney break room?
- If we get a gift card, would it look bad if I used it toward a ring I saw there that I really wanted, but didn't get? (It was under $100 and really pretty.)

Ok, I know my imagination needs medication. In reality, we are just going to enjoy this and will be happy with whatever they decide to do. I am also hopeful that the company will also do something nice for the sales associate.

Here's a photo of the boots in case you were wondering. Cute, right?

I will keep you posted on whatever happens tomorrow. We are looking forward to it!

Green Apple Skittles

I'm a save-the-best-for-last eater. How about you? I eat my least favorite thing first, working my way backward to end with my most favorite. I pull apart my Oreos and eat the half with the least amount of cream first so I can end with the best part. I eat around the edge of my sandwich and save the middle for last. At potlucks I take a tiny bite of everything in order to rank the dishes because you can't tell what they're going to taste like from looks. Then I'll start by choking down the worst thing on my plate.

Green Apple Skittles. Holy smokes, guys. Yum! Hello green apple, and goodbye lime! This is a great moment in the history of Skittles, but I have found it surprisingly difficult to retrain my mind to save the best for last. With each handful of Skittles, I remind myself to save the green for last. Unfortunately, I subconsciously go for the green ones the instant I lose focus. I lose focus. A lot.

I swear to you on a jumbo bag of Skittles that I will not give up until I get this right. I will practice and practice and practice and practice and practice until I am able to save the green for last.

Taste the rainbow, friends. And also please buy me some Skittles, but make sure it has the new green apple flavor because the last ones I bought at the Walmart were were lime and it really set me back.

Leprechaun Mirror

Today I'm going to share a tutorial for a cute St. Patrick's Day craft I made with a 1st and 2nd Grade Girl Scout Troop.

I started with the instructions on this site, but added a few more steps.

Supplies

• 1 hand mirror per child (from the Dollar Tree)
• 1 sheet of foam core per every 6 children (from the Dollar Tree; it's like a thick sheet of poster board)
• 1 pack of colored craft foam per every 4 children (from the Dollar Tree)
• Foam glue
• Scissors
• E-6000 glue
• Exacto knife, metal ruler, pencil and cutting board
• Template from the site that inspired me

You might have noticed the green felt in my supply picture. I was going to use it to make shamrocks, but I ran out of time.

1. Use the Exacto knife, metal ruler, pencil and cutting board to cut two 8" x 8" pieces of foam core for each child.

2. Trace the shape of the mirror on one of the squares and cut it out with your Exacto knife.

3. Use the cut piece of foam core as a template and trace it onto a colored craft foam that will be used as the background color. It's the blue piece in my daughter's example.

4. Use E-6000 glue to attach the cut-out foam core square to an in-tact square. It will form a perfect little nest for the mirror. Glue the mirror in place.

The mirror should be almost flush with the top piece of foam core.

5. Cut out the template pieces. Before you trace them onto the craft foam, lay them out on your mirror and adjust them if necessary. I did make the hair piece a little "taller" to fit my mirror.

6. Trace the template pieces on the craft foam. Cut them out just to separate them from one another, but let the children cut along the lines.

7. I like to create little place settings for crafts so the kids can get started right away. I covered my tables with plastic since we were working with glue and put the following in front of each chair: mirror glued to foam core, craft foam pieces ready to be cut out, and scissors. I also scattered a few things around the tables for the kids to share: foam glue, photos of the finished project, and paper towels. It's also smart to have a few extra supplies just in case someone makes a mistake. And don't forget to have a garbage bag or can handy!

Some of my girly girls did not want to use the beard. But my silly girls were all for it! This is a picture of the mirror my daughter made. She added some gold coins for a little something extra.

One Way Encounter

What should have been a nice Subway lunch with my husband turned into an awkward encounter. Although it wasn't really an encounter unless an encounter can be one way. I encountered, but the person I encountered didn't encounter me. Does that make sense?

Here's how it went down. TJ got up from the table, leaving me unprotected in the booth by myself. A guy I used to work with walked in and sat down in another booth, directly facing me.

There was absolutely nothing between our line of sight. I was about to say hi, but then he looked away without a trace of recognition. Then it went like this in my head.

Look away. He hasn't seen you yet. He'll notice you in a few seconds, so just pretend you haven't seen him yet.

Oh! I think he's looking! Look up and act surprised to see him.

Ooop! Nope. He didn't quite see me. I have no where else to look. Pick up my phone.

There! Now he's seen me. Try to time it to make him think we notice each other at the same time.

I almost said his name before realizing he didn't see me yet. It's a little too far away to shout a greeting, but I don't want to be rude. Is NOT saying anything more rude than shouting across the restaurant? Once he sees me, he'll realize that I would have had to see him. He'll know I was ignoring him.

Ok, he noticed!

No. No, he didn't. Maybe he did, but doesn't want to talk to me. Maybe he forgot who I am. No, he's too nice for that. I just saw him the other day, and we greeted each other by name. He knows me. He likes me.

Yes!

No!

I went back and forth lots more times before TJ finally came back from his adventure around Subway. That's when I realized that I was making this into a ridiculous situation. I snuck a photo and told TJ that I would explain later. In the end, I never got my encounter, and TJ was disappointed I wasn't taking a picture of something more exciting.

And now that I think about it, I don't know why I was so anxious for an encounter. It wouldn't have gone further than a couple words. And then I wouldn't have had a story at all.

My pedicure guy

My oldest daughter, Emma, is in 8th grade show choir.

You might not know what a big dealio show choir has become. Back in my day, we practiced a handful of times and did one show. We wore royal blue sequined crop tops with elastic-waisted black skirts. We were totally in it just to wear those sequined tops. Nobody got to wear sequined crop tops back then without being in show choir. We had three big moves. Low jazz hands, high jazz hands and the scandalous shoulder shimmy. There's WAY more to it now!

In a borderline-bad-mom move last weekend, I took Emma to a mall between her performance and the awards ceremony. She probably should have hung out with the other kids at the competition, but it's hard to say no when your 14-year-old daughter wants to spend time with you. I had a brilliant idea when we got to the mall. Pedicures! Well, pedicures for Emma and me. 8-year-old Gwen opted for a manicure.

As we waited for our turn, I noticed a young manly man guy come through the back door. I assumed he was there to visit a friend or maybe do some repair work. But much to my surprise, he pulled up a chair and started my pedicure. Here he is giving Gwen her manicure.


I really wish those paper towels weren't in front of my Gwen!

Here are some questions I asked:
- Are you from here? Yes.
- Do you have kids? No, but if I ever have a little girl, she'll have the best nails ever!

That's all I asked because I couldn't stop thinking of questions that might offend him:
- Is this your real job?
- Are you a tattoo artist at night?
- Why are you working here? Are you dating a girl who works here who is making you do this?
- When did you decide you wanted to do nails?
- So what do you want to do when you grow up?

Since I was speechless, the conversation was pretty much up to him. He told me about how he'd been out sledding with his buddies the night before. Sledding and drinking vodka. Oh, ok. As he was massaging my calf muscles, he told me that the ladies usually love that part because he has strong hands. I was speechless again and wondered if I was on some kind of reality show. Evidentally not.

Black Friday #2: The Creepy Thing I Found in the Walgreens Toy Aisle

A picture really is worth a thousand words. I saw this in the toy aisle of the Marshalltown Walgreens.

IN THE TOY AISLE!

In case it wasn't clear from that picture, it's a ready-to-paint Spider-man! I'm not sure this was a great idea for a toy. It may have sounded good on paper, but I would have thought someone would have put the breaks on the project after seeing a sample.

I was tempted to buy it, but was trying really hard to be responsible with my Black Friday budget. I couldn't stop thinking about this thing! So the next day, I went to the Waterloo Walgreens and found a whole stack of naked Spidies on top of the shelf above the adult diapers. I was SUPER excited! Until.......Until. I had a few minutes to examine the figurines while I waited for the Walgreens guy to come with a ladder. The Waterloo Spidies didn't seem as "well off" as the one I'd seen in Marshalltown. I wasn't sure if I had built it up in my mind, so I brought up my pictures of the originally spotted Marshalltown Spidey. The one in my pictures definitely appeared to be better off. Either there was a Spidey miracle or something went right wrong with that mold! 

I do hope that someone saw the potential in that one-of-a-kind Spidey in the Marshalltown Walgreens and that he brings joy to a special someone!

Black Friday #1: Why my sister and I went to the Kmart four times

My sister, Sara, and I had a blast on our traditional Black Friday shopping adventure in good ole' Marshalltown, Iowa. There's no Target, no Best Buy, no Home Depot, no Lowe's, no full-line Sears, no Gordman's, no Kohl's, no Old Navy. BUT, there were only a fraction of shoppers, and that's why we love it!

Here's the first part of the story about my most critical purchase. Black Friday #2 will tell the tale of the creepy thing we found in the Walgreens toy aisle.

Trip #1 to the Kmart
Approximately  9pm on Thursday
Sara and I were so happy to find our own cart that we didn't even mind the attached baby seat or the discarded empty beer can. We scouted out the 5am "big things" Doorbuster that I was dead set on getting for the girls. I was nervous because I needed three of them. It was no where to be found, but I vowed to return. (I can't tell you what the "big thing" is because it will ruin the surprise!)

Trip #2 to the Kmart
Approximately 4:40am on Friday
We arrived early for my "big thing" 5am Doorbuster. It was frigid! We waited in our car, like a few other eager beavers. We strategized about what the other people were after, convincing ourselves that their "big things" weren't the same as MY "big things".

I couldn't stand the anticipation and got out of the car at 4:49. We were about 12th in line, and I was sure I would get my "big things"! The funny thing is that NO ONE in line talked about their "big things". It reminded me of lining up for a track event. Intensely competitive.

DOORS OPEN!! HEART BEATING FAST!! Sara and I speed walked directly to the electronics department, but they directed us to customer service. We rushed over and were first in line. We spotted three of my "big things" behind the counter. Hoo Ha! Then the customer service girl told me that two were already spoken for with vouchers, so only one was available. BOO!!! I pointed out the ad that said "At least 6 per store," but the associate said they'd only received three. Not cool, Kmart! I didn't know what to do, so I bought the one remaining "big thing".

The lady in line behind me also asked for the "big thing" I had just cleaned them out of. I felt a little badly because I didn't even know if I would keep the one I had just bought.

We left the store with me mumbling about something being fishy. Something very fishy. I vowed to call Kmart headquarters and to get to the bottom of the situation. At least 6 per store. At least 6 per store. At least 6 per store! Grrrrrrrrr!

Menards
I bought three things that were disappointing replacements for the "big things" I couldn't get at the Kmart. But it was important to get three of the same "big things"!

My sister and I asked for help finding the chain binder on my dad's list. Three helpful Menard's men helped us find the chain binders and thoroughly demonstrated the gadget. They emphasized that we would want two chain binders. But they didn't understand that our dad is extremely precise, and the item was singular on his list. So we took two chain binders. Then we waited for the Menard's men to go away, and we put one back. And we were right. He wants one chain binder.

Trip #3 to the Kmart
6:40am on Friday
I went to return my "big thing" at the Kmart since it was no bueno unless I could get three. The customer service rep was excited to see me. She told me one more of my "big things" was available. So close, but I needed three, not two. Then she leaned forward and whispered that the third one would be available for  me in 20 minutes if no one came forward with the voucher. :D Yeah!

Trip #4 to the Kmart
7:00am on Friday
I GOT THREE "BIG THINGS!" Christmas is saved at la casa de Schaffer! Fa la la la la! La la la la!

Thank you customer service girl at the Marshalltown Kmart!!! 

The Day I Sent a Text to the Wrong Person

I had an unfortunate texting incident. I sent a text to my hardworking husband. Only it went to my hardworking husband's FRIEND. This particular friend happens to be my husband's lieutenant at the fire station.

TJ was about to finish up his shift at his part time job at Dick's Sporting Goods on Black Friday. He was about to join me at my parent's house. I wanted to encourage him after a long day and also asked him to bring me a couple things.

To best experience this post, you must now pretend you are my husband's lieutenant. And you've just received a text from me.

Start reading with the text I wrote in green.

I about died.

Four Funny Things I've Seen at The Walmart

I'm sure I've seen more than four funny things at the Walmart, but these are the things that stick out.

Thing #1: Woman Admits She Steals Hand Sanitizer from Her Workplace

I was in the check-out line behind two women and a little girl. The little girl picked up a little bottle of hand sanitizer and asked if she could have it. Her Auntie said, "Girl, why would we buy hand sanitizer when yo mama works at the hospital and can bring home as much as she wants!" Then she turned and looked at me like she was hot stuff. Like maybe I should be jealous of her free hand sanitizer situation.

By the way, in our house, we shorten hand sanitizer to hanitizer. That was Gwen's idea.

Thing #2: A Clueless Employee

I know...shocker, right? A couple weeks ago, I made a quick to trip to the Walmart for a birthday gift. I thought I would chug through a express lane. Little did I know that the cashier was about to slow down the express train.

Me: I would like a gift receipt for this.
Miss Walmart: A what?
Me: A gift receipt.
Miss Walmart: What's that?
Me. A giiiiiifffft receeeeeipt.
Miss Walmart: (speechless)
Me: It's a receipt that doesn't show the price, but can be used to return the item.
Miss Walmart: (speechless)
Me: So the person who receives the gift can't see how much you paid for it.
Miss Walmart: (with disbelief) No. We don't do that. I've never even heard of such a thing.
Me: What? (thinking for a second that I might be the crazy one) I've gotten them here lots of times.
Miss Walmart: Nope.
Me: Yes, I'm sure you do them.
Miss Walmart: (speechless)
Me: I'm not going to buy this unless I can get a gift receipt.
Miss Walmart: (hollering to a cashier at the next register) Hey, have you ever heard of a gift receipt?

To Miss Walmart's surprise, the other cashier came over, pushed a few buttons and magically printed out a gift receipt. TOLD YA, Miss Walmart!

Thing #3: A Fake Service Dog

A few weeks ago, I was in the cereal aisle and noticed a family shopping with a large dog. The dog was on a leash, but it was pretty excited to be in the Walmart. It was jumping around smelling other customers and things on the shelf. The dad had a smug look on his face like he wanted people to notice or comment on the dog. Like everyone else in the aisle, I completely ignored it.

Then I rounded the corner and saw two employees huddled together. I heard one say, "He said it was a service dog, so there's nothing we can do about it."

I've never seen a service dog jumping around smelling things or sniffing strangers crotches, so I'm 99% it was a fake. I wish you could have seen it because I can't seem to find the words to tell you how funny and weird it was!

Thing #4: Flowers in the Men's Room

TJ took this picture for me of some flowers that were unexpectedly displayed in the Walmart men's room. Even though he didn't buy the flowers, I loved that he sent this picture even more than if he had sent the flowers to me. This man gets me!

Dairy Queen Blizzard Spoons

I submitted this request to Dairy Queen through their website on Monday.

I am a DQ fan and am curious about your Blizzard spoons. Why are they shaped the way that they are? To clarify, I'm talking about the long spoons that are opaque white, with a four-sided hollow cube tube handle, and a hook-like thing on the end. I've always wondered about the spoons, and Google disappointed me.

Please help me solve one of life's mysteries! I would be very grateful, and I promise to eat more Blizzards, even when it's cold outside! Thank you, Dairy Queen Queen (or Dairy Queen King if you are a guy)! 

P.S. I noticed that the photo of the Blizzard on this very page has a regular old red plastic spoon. Is that because it's prettier than the actual spoon or do some DQ's use different types of spoons for their blizzards? 

P.P.S. I like the Blizzard spoon, even though it is not photogenic. I'm not photogenic either, and most people seem to like me.

Here's a picture of the spoon I was talking about.

After crafting such an eloquent message, I'm sure you can imagine my disappointment when the form had technical issues and did not submit.

I was really curious, so I called the DQ headquarters in Minneapolis. Charlene in customer service was friendly, but she did not know the answer. She offered to ask some of her coworkers. They said I was actually describing the spoons used in McDonald's McFlurries! (Oh, boy, did I feel STUPID!) She went on to explain that the spoons are designed to attach to McFlurry machines and are used to stir in the mixings. That way they don't have to clean any attachments.

Well, that explains the shape and hook thing on the McDonald's McFlurry (not DQ Blizzard) spoons! It also explains why the photos on the DQ site do not show these spoons. The McFlurries on the McDonald's website are shown without spoons, in case you were curious. My taste for both McFlurries AND Blizzards partially explains why I'm not photogenic. You're welcome for solving many mysteries.

Random Text

This morning I had a text from a number I don't know. I replied truthfully, but I did add in some jive. They are white. I am green. (I'm talking about the color of the bubbles on my screen, not skin color. Sheesh!)

That last one was an accident. I meant to text TJ because I have the day off and wanted to walk the dog. I wonder what keishya thought I meant by that! Oh, I looked up the area code, which is in Houston, TX. I don't think this text is from the couple of people I know from Houston.

Also, I wonder if someone was trying to trick me. First they said they were keishya. Then they were looking for her.

Oh, and I got a call from this number a little bit ago, but I got nervous and didn't answer. That was before I accidentally texted them about the leash.

Here's why you shouldn't bite your fingernails. Or your toenails.

This post is going to sound a lot like last month's The wart is gone. If it comes back, it can stay.

I don't know about you other parents, but I hear daily complaints about a sore neck or a hurt knee or a blurry eye or an injured finger, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc. And like most good parents, I ignore it all. At least until the patient has complained several times about the same thing for at least two days. I followed that rule and then finally took a look at Alli's sore finger. After all, how serious could a sore finger be? Well, I felt pretty guilty when I saw it. The whole end of her finger was swollen and red, but the thing that disturbed me was that the "moon" on her nail was puffy and GREEN! So off we went to the convenient clinic.

The nurse took one look and said, "Oh, boy. We're going to have to stick a needle in and get that drained." One thing you should know is that Alli is terrified of needles. Here's what instantly happened to her face:
- Her eyes got huge and started leaking
- Her nostrils sucked in sealed shut
- The center of her lips poked out and the sides squeezed in
- Her little chin crinkled and shook

The nurse felt badly for making her upset and then broke the news that we needed to wait about 30 minutes for the doctor. Alli calmed herself down by making up a song to the tune of She'll be Coming 'Round the Mountain. The first verse went something like, "She'll be coming with a needle through the door!"

We got a straight-shooting Indian lady doctor. Her worst grade in medical school was probably Bedside Manner 101. But maybe just a C, not an F. At least she tried. She felt she could calm Alli down by explaining every detail of what she was going to do.

After her finger was numb, I held Alli's head and good hand while she laid back. Dr. Indian Lady (DIL) showed Alli the blade, which looked like any Exacto blade. Bigger eyes. Bigger tears. Then DIL said she was going to poke. Alli was freaking out, but I was holding her close, trying to keep her still. DIN asked Alli if she wanted to watch. Really? No.

Then DIN said, "Mom, Mom. Look at dis. Look, Mom!" (It reminded me of the lady who threaded my eyebrows.) I really had no choice, so I looked. And and I got to see DIL squeeze the pus out of a hole she had cut. Boy, I sure am glad I didn't miss that! I realized I was in a difficult situation, needing to choose a reaction that revealed no sign of disgust, that gave the doctor the appreciation she was looking for, and that did not alarm my freaked out kid. It went something like this. "Oh, yes. Oh. Ummm hmm."

It must not have been enough for DIL because she asked if I saw the pus. Alli lifted her head to see, and I gently shoved it back down, out of range of the puss. I tried to better express my reaction, using a little more enthusiasm. Then DIL asked the nurse for the blade and said she needed to make the hole a little larger. Alli paniced and tried to lift her head, but I firmly held her forehead down. She got through it just fine, and DIL saved the little finger.

This is kind of gross, but here's a picture of her finger 24 hours later. The fingernail may or may not make it through.

We think the infection started because she bites her nails, so that's how I came up with the title of this post. Please don't bite!

Election Day!

Here's a video I took of Gwen tonight before bed.

And here's the craft she made last weekend. It's a cow she made out of paper bags. I'm sure glad to have it!

Things in Sky Mall: Neck Pillows

My dad says it's ok to change careers before you're 40. But statistically, your retirement savings is negatively impacted if you have a drastic career change after 40. Uh oh! I just passed the turning point! And just when I finally identified my dream job! I aspire to work on United Airline's Sky Mall catalog. I would like to be a Sky Mall buyer or writer. Please let me know if you have any connections!

Sky Mall prides themselves on offering things that are surprisingly innovative. Things that you never knew you needed until you see them in the catalog you are flipping through because you can't turn on your kindle for about 20 minutes before, during and after take-off. There are many, many items that make you want to nudge the stranger sitting next to you so you can share a hearty laugh.

It's tough to choose where to start, but I'm going to focus on the neck pillow category. There's nothing wrong with neck pillows, but they just aren't for me. Kind of like turtle necks. Turtle necks and neck pillows both look fine on other people. As for me, I like to leave my neck out in the open because it's one of my most slender body parts.

Top Five Neck Pillows in Sky Mall

5. The Handkerchief Sneaker

I call it that because it looks like you're trying to fool people into thinking you're wearing a handkerchief instead of a neck pillow. Officially it's called the "Releaf Neck Rest". I wonder why it's Releaf and not Relief. No explanation is given. Any ideas? 

It easily fits into a purse, briefcase or pocket. I assume they are referring to some pocket other than the front one in your jeans. It's a bargain for $19.99

 

4. The Princess Leia

The unique shape of this neck pillow transforms you into a sleeping warrior princess.

I suggest you do not attempt to awaken this little gal.

Sky Mall says this one was "lovingly designed by an RN." It's $39.99, and the matching blanket is $19.99.

3. The All Around Most unComfortable

This looks about as comfortable as a C-Collar used by paramedics, but it's called the Komfort Kollar.

The inflatable version is just $27.85. (Your flight will be over by the time you finish blowing up your Komfort Kollar.) The memory foam version is a pricey $59.85.

2. The Neck Contraption

Requires the sleeper to sit back on straps that hold the contraption into place. Pray you do not slump forward in your sleep because the back straps will release, your face will hit the seat in front of you and your contraption will go flying. I can picture my coworker, Steve, in this thing.

The UpRight Sleeper is $39.99. You can watch a video here.

The Neck Contraption Cover

If you embarrass easily, conceal your contraption with a cover that doubles as a carrying bag. It also looks a little like the magician just pulled a head out of an empty bag. Wow! Amaaaaaazing!

$9.99 and available in satin or fleece!

1. The Snuggler

Is it a quiver? Is it a club? No! It's an inflatable pillow, shaped to fit around your body so you can comfortably snuggle it on the plane. Less embarrassing than a teddy bear? Debatable.

Did I mention that it can be tethered to your body or to your seat. It does all that and more for $29.99.

P.S. Seriously. Let me know if you can get me that Sky Mall job. 

What a Cool Dog!

I've been a lazy blogger lately, haven't I! I don't have a great excuse, other than I've been busy turning forty and traveling for work.

Anyway, Emma and I were driving around town with our girl, Nellie. Nellie loves to hang her head out the window, but Emma was nervous that she was going to fall out. It's actually a valid worry because Nellie is a clumsy beast. She falls off the bed all the time. So we put the windows up.

 Silly dog popped up out of the sun roof. We let her stay up there for a little bit because it made us laugh and it made her happy! I hope it made at least one other person laugh, too! Win-Win-Win!

My First Trip to Providence

The good news is that I made it to Providence, Rhode Island safely and in time for my meetings this morning. The bad news is...well, let me tell you! I left my house at 9am to make my 12:28 flight from Des Moines. I checked in at a United kiosk, but it didn't seem to be working right. A nice employee came to my rescue and said United didn't have a 12:28 flight to Chicago. I pulled out my agenda to see if I had the wrong airline. Nope, it was United. But then I noticed that the flight didn't leave from Waterloo at 12:28. It arrived in Chicago at 12:28. So I missed it. Sometimes I am amazed at my own stupidity!

Luckily, the nice United lady rebooked me to arrive in Providence a little later than planned. I arrived in Chicago and tried to make the most of my long layover. My flight was supposed to leave at 7:15, but I started getting text updates from United.

4:58pm
Flight is delayed to 7:50

6:28pm
Flight is delayed to 9:06

7:14
Flight now departs at 8:40 (Hey, that's good!)

7:56
Flight is delayed to 8:55

8:45
Flight is delayed to 9:10

9:14
Flight is delayed to 9:30

We started boarding around 10:00. The plane drove away from the gate and got in a line behind a lot of other planes. Then the pilots turned off the engines in order to save gas. Then we had to wait for the airport to open a different runway because the wind changed directions. We sat there for about an hour and a half. I couldn't even read my Kindle because electronic devices had to be turned off. I would have snuck it, but I was sitting next to the flight attendant in the back row. And I was next to the bathroom, which is not cool.

We landed at 1:54am. Another bad thing about being in the back row is that you're last off the plane. I picked up my luggage and found the taxi line. You have to go to the first taxi in order to make it fair for the drivers. The first taxi in line looked a little run down. I wanted to put my suitcase in the trunk, but the driver wasn't paying attention. I opened the back door and noticed she was somehow sleeping even though rap music was blaring. I asked her to open the trunk, but she was trying to wake up and couldn't hear me over the music. I put my bags in the backseat and sat down. I gave her my hotel info, and she tried to start the car. After several tries, I told her I was just going to get another cab, but she asked me to please wait. Then I heard her make a call to ask someone to jump start her cab. That's when I stopped caring about the taxi line rules and found a different cab. 

Needless to say, I really needed a shower this morning. I thought I was missing something, because I couldn't figure out hot to turn on the shower! It looked like a simple contraption, but the handle would not budge!

It even has little arrows to show which way to turn it for on and off. I pulled really hard. Then I thought maybe it was like my dryer knob where you have to pull it out and then turn it.

I wasn't super embarrassed when the maintenance kid saw me in my pajamas. He fixed the shower in a few seconds. I asked him what was wrong with it, and he said it was stuck. So I did get my shower, and the rest of the trip has gone well so far. Wish me luck for the return trip tomorrow night!

Bad Parking Experiences (and I'm not talking about making out)

Does it ever bug you when you notice that someone has done a really bad job parking their car? Maybe some of the tires are up on the curb or the car is hugging, on or <gasp!> over the painted lines. And then you notice it's your car? And you realize that you're the one who parked it there? Oh the shame! Does that happen to you??? I wouldn't say that happens to me all the time, but I wouldn't say it never happens. Ok, it happened today at work.

I was excited that I got to work early this morning and got to park next to the door. That meant that a lot of people walked right by my car. I don't know how this would have happened, but here's how I found my car parked after work.

My car parked about 6 feet from the front of my parking spot

Here's another car I noticed the other day that did not pull all the way forward into its spot. See the parking line that is right in front of the rear tire? I'm not the only one!

Big Rims may have parked this way on purpose because he didn't want a car to park behind him.



Except a truck DID park behind Big Rims. Oh, and I didn't get a picture, but the truck's rear end was sticking out of the back of its parking spot, partially blocking the driving lane.

I almost didn't notice the bad parking job because I was distracted by the oversized tires. I do not understand why people put expensive rims and tires on cruddy cars. If you have the money to do that, why not just buy a nicer car? And guys, here are the two questions you should ask yourself before pimping your ride.

1. What kind of woman do I want?

2. Would that kind of woman feel good about riding around in my pimped out car?

I don't know of a classy woman who would want to ride around in a rusty 1980's sedan with fancy rims. Maybe I'm wrong, or maybe I'm just getting old. I just hope Big Rims never shows up in my driveway to pick up one of my girls.

The Wart is Gone. If it comes back, it can stay.

Emma, my 13-year-old, is begging me not to post this post. She said I should never ever ever mention my wart. She's not the boss of me, which means you get to hear this story.

I've had a wart on my naughty finger for three or four years. It laughed in the face of every over-the-counter treatment, so I finally made a doctor appointment to get rid of it. On my way to my appointment yesterday, I started to wonder if I might actually miss my wart. It's given me something to pick at when I'm nervous. It's been there for the good times and the bad times. It comforts me to press on it and cause a little pain when I do something stupid, like yell the wrong name at a soccer game. I know that's gross.

It was time to say goodbye. I don't go to the doctor very often, so I felt silly for going in for something so minor. Umm...was it really necessary for the nurse to weigh me in for a wart appointment? I wondered if they going to weigh me afterwards to calculate how much the wart weighed. The first question the nurse asked was if I was having chest pains. And then she took my blood pressure. Evidently it was stuff they needed to cover before getting rid of my warty little friend.

Dr. K used to be my neighbor, so we had a nice chat. Sometimes it's good to personally know your doctor, and sometimes it's not good. I plan to go to urgent care if I ever have anything super embarrassing. Funny how fewer and fewer things fall into that "embarrassing" category, the older I get. When I held up my naughty finger, Dr. K got a weird look on his face and said he didn't even know if it was a wart. In my head, I thought to myself, "It probably looks weird because I get nervous a lot and have picked off the top of it". But I didn't say anything out loud. Then Dr. K said it didn't really matter because he would figure it out when he started cutting into it.

WAIT A SECOND! "Cutting into it?!" I thought we'd be freezing this thing off. Well, shoot! Before I could ask any questions, Dr. K said he would be back with all his stuff. He really said it just like that. His stuff.

Dr. K came back with a nurse and a bag of stuff that I tried not to look at. I scooted my chair to the exam table and laid my hand on an almost-white towel. I asked if the towel was clean, and they told me it had come from a hospital. I acted like that answered the question. Then I declared that I would not be watching whatever it was Dr. K was going to do to my finger. He seemed surprised and asked if I was more worried about the needles or the blood. Oh, good golly! I wished he hadn't said either one of those words. I hadn't even considered that it would be bloody! I stuttered, but didn't really answer. He gave me a pillow and told me to lay my head down and look the other way.

I got as comfortable as possible with my right hand on the clean white towel, my bottom in a chair, my feet on the floor with one of them a-tap-tap-tapping, my right cheek on a pillow, my back curved around in an unflattering posture, and my eyes squished tight. I wasn't sure what to do with my left arm, so it was the last thing still moving around, trying to find a "natural" position. Dr. K got all his stuff out and told me I'd feel a little bee sting. He was still talking about the little bee stings as he gave me five shots in the finger. Dr. K also practices pediatric care. I handled the bee stings just fine. After that, I couldn't feel pain, but I could feel a feeling that someone was digging into and cutting something out of my finger. I stayed very still and quiet during that part. These are some things I heard Dr. K say.

"Oh, you were right! It is a wart! I see the core right there."

"Wow. It's really deep."

"Hmmm. I don't think I should dig any deeper."

"Now I'm going to cauterize."

"Now it will feel cold while I freeze the core."

"Let's clean this up for you."

[I'm picturing a bloody, bloody mess.]

"Give me a call if it comes back, and I'll work on it some more."

[I stayed quiet, but I'll let you guess what I was thinking.]

[And then, as I lifted my head off the pillow]

"Oh, are you sweating?! Are you light headed?"

I admitted that I felt a little dizzy, but really I felt a lot dizzy. The nurse gave me a cool damp washcloth and rested for a little while. I finally looked at my finger, expecting to see it wrapped up in thick gauze. I was prepared to see a bit of blood around the edges. In fact, I wondered if I would be able to type when I went back to work. I saw this.

I might be a wimp, but at least I'm not warty.

That could be the title of a country song, or at least in the lyrics of a country song. You heard it here first.

Operation Save A Buck

I'm on a kick to save a little money. I realize that one of the easiest ways we can save money is food. I get lazy with meal planning and eat whatever sounds good and is convenient. When TJ works his side job at Richard's (his name for Dick's Sporting Goods), he sacrifices his lunch break to pick up he kids from school in the afternoon. I'm a nice wife, and I bring him deli or fast food that he can woof in down on a 10 minute break. It's not healthy, and it's EXPENSIVE! Well, duh!

Time for a new routine! I know myself enough to know that I will not get up early to pack anybody a lunch. I'm not even in the ballpark of being that motivated in the morning. So we need something easy. TJ got some frozen burritos that he can microwave at Richard's. And I ate sandwiches four days this week. Instead of making lunch ahead of time, I brought ingredients to work and assemble my sandwich in the break room. That way I only have to remember to bring ingredients about once a week. Here's a hint for you: "hint of lime" mayo doesn't have enough hint, but dill mayo is YUM.

Today I broke down and went to Subway because I had a bad experience at the doctor trying to remove my wart. I'll tell you about that soon. I'm not ready to joke about it yet.

I tried to make our evening meals at home this week, too, even if it was more sandwiches, salads, hot dogs or some other cheap, fast solution. Until last night. Because I suddenly realized what time of the year it is. It's my favorite time of the year. Sure, the leaves are pretty, and the weather has been lovely. But that's not what I'm talking about.

It's McDonald's Monopoly.

I dislike McDonald's food. And I don't gamble. I've never bought a lottery ticket and I don't spend a penny gambling when I go to Las Vegas for work. BUT, I believe in my naive, innocent heart that I have a shot at winning McDonald's Monopoly.

Last night I went through the drive through and carefully planned my order using the menu board that smartly lists which items have Monopoly plays. I maximized the plays per dollar with a #1 (on the drink and Big Mac), 3 medium pops (play, play, play) and a 20 piece McNugget (double plays, man. double plays.). I forgot to ask for a Monopoly board, so I stopped the car and made Alli run in and ask for one. After we matched up our plays, I made Alli slowly read each prize and how we were doing. We are one property away from $1 million. So it's looking good for us.

Oh, but then I crushed my own precious hope with my own curiosity. I asked Mr. Google which properties are rare. This also happens to be a list of properties that I am looking for. If you find one of these, please give it to me. I will appreciate your kindness.

Boardwalk

Pennsylvania Ave

Ventor Ave

Kentucky Ave

Tennessee Ave

Verginia Ave

Vermont Ave

Meteranian Ave

Short Line RR

Fashion Update

Here's what I wore to work yesterday.

This is another great example of work pajamas. Click here if you don't understand what I mean by that.

Also please notice that I still haven't found a decent pair of black heels to wear to work. Click here if you also don't understand that comment. (Seriously, you should go back and read my archives...there's some good stuff there!) Ok, this should be fun. Guess which shoes I wore:

A. The Party Girls (too high for every day use)

B. Last Year's Party Girls (ugly and uncomfortable)

C. My Old Favorites (about-to-break-off heel, and no, I still have not thrown them away, get off my back about that)

D. My Really Old Favorites (very, very well used and are different heights since the sole came off one heel)

E. My Latest Attempt (made for someone with a shorter foot and longer toes)

F. All of the above.

tdtdtdtdtdtdtdtddt (that's a drum roll) It's D. My Really Old Favorites. :)

If you "got" both of those references without having to click on the links, I thank you very much for being a faithful reader of this little bloggy.

P.S. My Aunt Betty, who is awesomely funny, told me that she almost always wears bracelets because someone told her that bracelets make you look thinner. Never mind that the lady who told her that was selling bracelets. I say it can't hurt! Oh boy, can you imagine how athletic I will look next time I wear a bracelet with my super high heels. I hope people recognize me!

P.P.S. If you ever go to Weight Watchers, do two things at your first meeting. First, wear heavy clothes so you have the potential to "lose more weight." Second, wear heels or at least sneakily stand on your toes when they measure your hight. Your goal weight will be based on your height, so the taller you are, the higher your goal weight can be. You have to be sneaky because they're used to seeing tricks like that.

P.P.P.S. Here's another fashion tip to make your legs look tan in a picture. Let your leg hair grow out just a little bit. Use caution because if they're too hairy, they will look hairy in the picture. Also, please make sure you're not going to sit near anyone or go out in the sun on those days. If you do forget that your kid has a soccer game, and you find yourself sitting in the sun next to another parent you've been trying to get to know, pull your skirt or shorts down over your knees and (this is the most important) KEEP YOUR LEGS TUCKED UNDER YOUR CHAIR. Not that I've personally been in that situation...ok, yeah. I've been in that situation a few times. Oh, and don't waste your time zooming in on my picture to check out my leg tan because I made sure the resolution is too low for you to see any details. :)

That's all.